Inappropriate Feelings...

Tonight I was watching an old episode of “Without a Trace”.  This particular episode portrayed a woman fighting cancer and towards the end of the show she tells her husband that the chemo is not working and that she was ready to die because she was exhausted…too tired to fight.  It might have been over 17 years, but I remember that feeling.  I was so exhausted from the physical symptoms of my illness, too sick to walk and worn out from telling the world that “everything would be okay”.  I was unable to console another person who dumped their emotional baggage on me about their feelings of my transplant.   Somehow I was able to dig down deep and find the strength to persevere. As transplant patients, we can’t express this to our family and friends; it is "wrong"!  The only place for patients to go is in search of more seasoned transplant patients such as myself.  Candidates sit in fear that these emotions - anger towards the situation, fear of death and guilt or resentment that someone has to die are “inappropriate” feelings to have; feelings that some family members might try to suppress and have you never speak of again.  With a transplant, you are closer to death than any other situation you could ever be in…without someone else’s death you are going to die.  So, what emotions can ever be considered “inappropriate” when you are sitting, waiting on another family to begin mourning so that yours can celebrate?  I recently heard a 6 year old who had a transplant say they were scared of dying; a sobering moment in my journey.  I was glad to see that his parents made it okay for him to express these feelings; I hope one day that many more families can accept all of the emotions of transplant even if they do not understand them.